Someone once told me that you learn the most from your mistakes. Another wise person encouraged me to find my green lights. A third mentor brought these two words of wisdom together when she shared her expectation that we need to provide adequate support in challenging situations. Throughout my life, I will never forget friends, colleagues, supervisors, family, and faculty who help me live through and become stronger during emotional, financial, interpersonal, and intellectual difficulties.
The way support was offered varied based upon the people, my need, and our relationship. Sometimes it was a brief smile from a stranger when I was walking across campus. Other times, people supported me by telling what I needed to hear but didn’t necessarily want to hear in a kind and gentle way. Still others, helped me embrace my feelings which seemed to be getting the best of me. Sometimes it was about listening. Other times it was about solving problems or figuring out action steps. Regardless of what the person provided, I responded best when I knew why the person was responding to me in a particular way.
At the time I never really thought about how people decided to provide support. I have come to realize there are two different ways, the golden or platinum rule, to respond to others. From a very young age I was taught to treat others how I would want to be treated (the golden rule). This works best when someone is like me. Throughout life, there have been times when I thought I was supporting when I wasn’t. It was through these times I learned it is not about how I want to be treated, rather it is how others want to be treated (the platinum rule).
Looking back, I find myself relying upon the golden rule when I do not know the other person well. In these cases, it is easy to respond based upon how I would want to be helped. Sometimes it is scary to ask what another person needs. At times I have been uncertain on how to ask what a person needs. Sometimes I avoid asking about a need because I’m not sure I can respond. Still other times, I’m afraid to ask because I might identify the wrong need. So the golden rule is safer and works.
The platinum rule – while good in concept – requires connection, risk, trust, and sometimes getting it wrong. The platinum rule takes valuable time. With the platinum rule, I need to communicate my needs to others. I need to give others the space and time to share their needs. There will be times when I ask for something I cannot receive. There will come a time when I am asked for something I cannot do. In these cases, I will learn what is reasonable or doable. I will learn what I must do and how others help. When I am able to practice the platinum rule, I find that connection occurs, service improves, and relationships strengthen.
What will it be for you today? Gold or platinum? Testing Services recently adopted the platinum rule for our team. This means we have spent time defining workplace expectations, discussing individual & group needs and learning about the impact of the “office” on the team. It has taken time. It is an ever-evolving practice and conversation. Just when we think we know everything; new things come up. We are stronger because of the conversations, experience, and memories. We made the change because it provides strength in time of stress or challenge. When we work together, the load lightens.